Thanksgiving

When people ask me what my favorite season is, I always say Summer.  The hotter the better for me, I tell them.  But that's a lie.  It's autumn.  I love the leaves changing colors, which in my neck of the woods is quite spectacular.  I love cinnamon and pumpkin pies and pears.  I love that the whole world is cast in a soft rosy-orange glow, and all the holiday sales start at all the stores.

Which is why on one particularly beautiful autumn day, Husband and I decided to take some of our dogs out for a nice walk.  As we rounded the corner coming back towards our house, I was overcome by one of those lovely moments where everything that you hold dear is all in your line of sight.  I saw my loving husband that works so hard to make me happy, our charming house that we have fixed up with our own hands, our dogs that never allow our lives to be dull, all on our darling tree-lined street in a friendly and safe neighborhood.

And I just thought, wow... my life sucks.

It's strange to think something you didn't know you thought.  After all, it's just me up there in that head of mine, so I can't imagine how something popped up that I was so surprised by.  So I pushed it to the back of my mind, writing it off as a random irrational thought, like the times I convince myself the milk is bad even though the expiration date printed right on the jug says it won't go bad for another three days.

But that thought just wouldn't be silenced.  My life sucks, my life sucks, it kept coming back and back, louder and louder.  And then I thought, how silly it is to lie about being miserable and liking the Fall.  Why do I categorically deny the things it is so clear I feel?  But the lies help me to feel more like myself, at least on the outside.  I want to like the Summer.  But I am autumn, I am myself a tree without its leaves.  And when the biting winds of November feel like they are blowing through me, it makes sense, because I am shot so full of holes that I am more hole than I am person. 

I think for that reason it is in the most joyous moments that I feel the most despair.  Because when I look at the wonderful things in my life, I see Cancer, and when I think of all the things I have, I can only think of all the things I've lost.  My most precious memories are seen only through cancer's lenses.  The most heartbreaking of which is when Husband and I went to the mall and looked at cute little puppies, and when I saw the one that melted my heart, I looked up to Husband and didn't even have to ask.  We took our new pup to a small field in front of a nondescript building to play that first night.  When I walked through that same field two months later to my first radiation treatment, I thought, it all comes back to cancer eventually.

Then the shame sets in for not being able to be grateful for what I have, then the anger that I have to feel the shame.  And after heading downward in this constant spiral for nearly three years, I see now that at the bottom is an all-consuming depression.  The leaves that were once vibrant oranges and reds are now brown and slimy, and the warm parts of myself have gone barren and cold.  Every morning when I wake up my joints are a little stiffer in response to the weather, a daily reminder that the darkest winter of my life has begun.

Comments

[Sauron]

After Reading this post I thought here's the guy who is somewhat similar to me..
But still i say my Life Sucks more than yours.
Must read this Blog.
http://lifeislikeahell.blogspot.com/

[jen]

I can say that I had such a similar moment recently. My hub, dog and I were walking at the park across the street - on a day where the sun hit the trees that the fall folliage just lit up. And I thought to myself, everything I need is right here with me. And my thoughts quickly can flip on a dime to, will this be enough for the rest of my life? I then see a couple w/ a stroller, and my thoughts just spiral much like yours. sometimes it's HARD to feel GOOD, I am going to post about my day yesterday where I too struggled to feel positive about anything. I guess we just have to embrace the moments that we do, and can put cancer stuff out of our heads - even if just momentarily. I want to see more pics of the dogs! I have some hillarious ones of peanut, I have to upload! Happy Fall, and hope you have a good Thanksgiving!

[Louise]

Oh fantastic! Someone linked to their blog which is all about how much their life sucks! Even worse than yours! Because, you know, life is shitty! And it stinks!

Ugh, what a douchebag.

Not you Rae, I would never say that about you. I don't really know what to say. I have those days, not all the time, but they settle in and make themselves at home for stretches of time and I hate myself for feeling them. I hate when I feel sorry for myself -- it's an awful place to be.

I wish there was a way I could make this better for you. That I could wave a wand and make all the anger and sadness and suckiness just disappear. That you could have uncomplicated happiness, at least for a few years. It's something we've missed out on and something I feel cheated out of more often than not. It does all come back to cancer, and I'm afraid of other people seeing me and thinking that about me -- that I'm hung up on it or something, but I am -- I am hung up on it. I can't make it go away. I can't forget that it's shitty that I was sick even if I'm better now, and I can't help but be self-conscious and worry about whether the people around me think I dwell on the cancer thing too much.

I know you understand this. I know I don't have to explain it to you.

Come visit me in Toronto some time. I'll take you out for breakfast and we'll be miserable together for a day. We'll make loud snarky comments about passersby and excuse our bad behaviour on cancer. No one will be able to stop us.

[Noelle]

I couldn't help it. I was curious. I clicked on that link. and i wasted approx. 22 seconds of my life skimming 3 sentence posts that all said "life sucks". ummmm? people are stupid. this is not new news.

anyway, i'm so sorry you feel the way you do. i don't think there's much else i can say, because i know i can't relate, not truly. but i sure do feel sympathy for you and i think good thoughts for you... send them out into the universe. sure, that's a load of hippie crap, but sometimes i think that's all there really is in this life. hippie crap. and now i have no idea what i'm talking about.

i hope you're doing ok. know that i'm thinking about you.

[Jeannette]

Hi Rae. Missing you and hoping spring is right around the corner.

[longtime_reader]

Darling, at the risk of giving assvice, I'll impart one of my favorite quotes to you: The fire isn't over just because the fire truck drives away.

While you were fighting the fire, you had a purpose. As grueling as that was, it's almost harder after the crisis is over. It's all hard and what you are feeling is perfectly understandable.

Hey, since I'm this far in, I'll give you assvice #2: Do what you need to do. Talk to a professional and/or take some chemicals. (If you only do one thing, get the drugs.) If you are taking them now and they don't work, find some different ones to take. They are there to make your life better and there is no shame in availing yourself to them. It's not weakness. You've been through Hell six ways from Sunday and there is no shame in it.

[A fan]

Warm thoughts and best wishes. We miss you.

[kris]

Hoping things are well.