Limbodacious

Also

In response to a large volume of email requesting, nay, demanding pictures of my wedding, I have posted some mildly identifiable snapshots in a photo album.   ------->

Enjoy.  And quit emailing.

October is National Stay Indoors Month

If you've been within 1,000 miles of any city in the last 28 days, you probably know that October is Breast Cancer month.  And if you're anything like me, that probably pisses you off.

But the thing is, I don't know why it pisses me off.  I really don't have anything against breast cancer survivors, or promoting awareness, these are good things.  I mean, there's the most obvious reason that last month was ovarian cancer month and it breezed by with hardly a mention by anybody, except I think Grey's Anatomy, which honestly, is kind of worse than no mention at all (By the way, Grey's Anatomy, effective the beginning of this season you are officially off my tivo list.  How's that feel, huh?  Does it sting?)

However, I don't think the purely selfish reason of no recognition for my own cancer really answers the question.  Chances are, if September was All Things Teal and Payless had Buy One Get One Half Off for ovarian cancer, that would probably bug me too.   So why does the sea of pink bother me so much?

I think partly it's the commercialization, the hypocrisy of it.  I mean, those ladies who lunch are not going to Macy's because part of the proceeds of Shop for the Cure are going to breast cancer.  They are going to Macy's because Macy's is the place to get that $300 dynamite little blazer that no one can live without this fall.  And, you know, it will probably look great on them because they have their breasts to fill it out and probably always will, because luck works a lot like money, the more you have the more you get. 

(Now, let me clarify a little because it's only the stuff like Shopping for the Cure that gets me.  Those commercials by the drug companies that encourage women to explore and research all the possible treatments when they are diagnosed, believe me, I will watch that shit all year long, because that is some actual useful information that might help save somebody's life.)

But the thing that bothers me the most is that it bothers me (we cancer types are a complicated bunch, yes?).  It bothers me that no one has invited me to go shopping this month out of fear of my breaking down in a heap in the middle of the mall.  It bothers me that Boyfriend went so far as going to Bed Bath & Beyond, claiming it was on his way, to pick up three CHINA SETTINGS  for me because he knew the Cook for the Cure display with their pink heart-shaped cake pans would drive me over the edge.  The only other time I have gotten that man in a Bed Bath & Beyond is when I told him it was right next to the sporting goods store which was a total lie, and even then I had to buy him a shower radio and park him in one of those semi-erotic massaging chairs to stop the whining (That was when "we" registered for our wedding.  Sweet, huh?).

This breast cancer stuff everywhere is like a huge pink neon sign that says, "HEY!  DON'T BOTHER RAE RIGHT NOW!  SHE IS VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT HAVING HAD CANCER!"  It is a physical reminder to everyone around me that I am still fragile and need to be shielded, which REALLY pisses me off, because it is TRUE.  The only way I can get through the days is by taking a healthy dose of denial every morning, and these constant reminders of cancer seeping into my life from every direction really fuck that up for me.

Anyway, the short version is that emotionally, I'm not having such a great month.  It seems like the more time that passes, the worse my coping skills become.  I have actually gone so far as to buy two self-help books to see if someone else has some thoughts that I haven't thought yet.  (Side story:  I went to get the book "Picking up the Pieces" that Spike recommended, and did you realize that Picking up the Pieces is a kind of common title in the self-help genre?  The little bookstore girl thought I was anorexic and took me to the eating disorder aisle.  What a great day that was.)  So perhaps soon I will have some more encouraging words to share, or at the very least, a book review.

Also, please, get a mammogram.

"Well, that was a long silence"

Boyfriend said that to me on our second date when we went the entire 20-minute trip from the restaurant to his house without saying a single word.  It seems appropriate now, though, since I haven't posted in, oh, forever or so.  But you will be happy to know that we have finally purchased one (1) computer, (1) bigass monitor, and internet service.  Hopefully with these tools I will be able to merge onto the Information Highway a little more frequently.

So.  It is true that I am now married.  The wedding was wonderful, perfect, and you'll have to take my word on it being beautiful because as much as I would like to post pictures, I would more like to avoid being identified by any Creepy Internet Persons who may be reading this if we ever ended up in a grocery store at the same time.  You may now address me as Mrs. Limbo-Boyfriend because yes, I am one of those lame people who hyphenates their name.  I would be happy to address any specific questions about said wedding, but I will leave it at that for now out of fear of becoming That Girl That Won't Shut Up about Her Wedding. 

Oh, and speaking of things that are wonderful, perfect, and oh-so-beautiful I had the pleasure of meeting our good friend Louise who, hard as it is to believe, is even cooler than my imagination pictured her.  She mentions in a post that nearly made me cry that when you're with someone that has been through the same things you have, you can just kind of feel it in the air.  Which is true.  Consciously or unconsciously, I caught the first bus out of Cancerland in a ridiculously transparent attempt to Move On, but as I stood with Louise it hit me hard that crying after Boyfriend has gone to sleep and listening to Ani DiFranco on my headphones at work are not the same as coping, and I need this. 

In medical news, since the wedding I have been dropping pounds faster than the contestants on The Biggest Loser and now tip the scales at an astonishing 85 pounds.  My weight has not been this low since I was on chemo, and my doctor is understandably nervous.  I have just returned from having about 8 pints of blood taken so she can further delve into Just What the Hell is Going On.  Early wild guesses include some kind of Crohn's thing.  Will update when I know more, and by more, I mean anything.

And yes, yet more news.  I secured a new job at Ginormous Corporation at the end of July.  I won't go into exactly what I do, because it is not universally interesting, but I will tell you that I had to shake the dust off my security clearance, and they are currently building a wall around us so foreign nationals can't see what we're doing.  My office is two stories underground in an eerily silent basement inhabited by bugs, and I work primarily with two men that are so polar opposite that they could easily be mistaken for a sitcom comedy duo.  But things are pretty good so far, I finally am back to using my technical training, and I discovered a delicious thing called Flex Time, which if you don't know, means that as long as it adds up to 40 hours at the end of the week, it doesn't matter how you get there.  Which is the Best Thing Ever for someone like me, who has many appointments and sometimes just HAS to sleep in. 

Well, I truly hate these recap posts, so I had better get to posting more often.  Which is not a binding promise or anything, but I will try.