It has come to my attention that my last three posts have cost me $4.95 each.

There have been complaints about the new color scheme, and to these concerned individuals I would like to say two things:

1.  Thank you for your concern.  We at Limbodacious are constantly working to improve the blog-reading experience for you.

2.  Suck it.

The truth is, I changed the colors in response to a feeling of change within me.  A little softer, a little sadder, a little more cautious.  I have felt for a while now that I am on the verge of... something.  It's a hard feeling to put your finger on, just a vague sense that something good, bad, or otherwise is about to happen.

It became a little clearer at my last appointment with my gyn/onc.  As I checked out, the receptionist asked me, "Would you like a referral to a gynecologist?"

"For what?"  I asked in disbelief.

"You know, your pap smears, routine things that you don't really need your gyn/onc to do."

I must not have concealed my shock very well, because she added, "It's not like we're not dumping you.  Wouldn't you rather go to a regular gynecologist than your cancer doctor every time?"

A regular gynecologist.  I knew what the words meant individually but couldn't really comprehend the concept.  But she was right, I should try to transition into a non-cancer-patient lifestyle as much as I can, because you know, I'm not a cancer patient anymore.

And that's what it is.

I am at a point where I need to re-assimilate myself into a world where I feel misunderstood and awkward.  And really, I don't want to.  It's not that I enjoy going through treatment, believe me, but at least within the four walls of an oncologist's office I felt safe, I was doing something actively to help myself, and most importantly, people understood the gravity of what I was going through.  Now as my scars heal and my hair grows out, my outside does not even reveal a hint of my recent struggles.

When I called the gynecologist they suggested, I mentioned that I had a history of agressive ovarian cancer.  I mentioned this, of course, to give them a picture of what exactly they're dealing with when I come in and, of course, to get a sooner appointment.  It's a strange saying these medical types have, "a history of..." like since it is not currently happening, it's all in the past. 

I guess now the issue is finding out what I have "a present of", which seems like it would be obvious, but instead I find myself clinging to the past looking over a cliff. 

And so now we begin a new color of Limbo for a new stage of Life.

Comments

[AJ]

Rae, know you are going thru a major adjustment in your life, but thank goodness it's towards a better, healthier, happy time in your life, go for it dear. Personally I love your purple borders, some folks just can't be happy with change I guess, like you I'd ignore the comment. Take care, enjoy every day you've earned it big time....AJ

[Katerina]

Rae, AJ said it best. This is big and good news and even though you might feel not up to it and tired and depressed and whatnot, you can always come back here and bitch and whine, and we won't love you any the less for it.

Let people know what you've been through - or not, but I think that if they know they'll probably be a little nicer; only you know whether that's something you want or not. But most importantly, enjoy what you've got, knowing that it's also OK *not* to enjoy yourself, and you can always come here and bitch and moan and we won't like you any the less for it.

You are at a point when you don't need to take orders from nobody. Enjoy it.

[Katerina]

Well of course I managed to screw up my comment - damn, people keep interrupting me when I'm "working"! but you get the drift...

[ErinM]

Rae, this time in your life must be so difficult. Everyone has a hard time adjusting to major life changes. Hang in there, girl! You're a strong woman and you'll come out the other side. And I love the purple. Don't let anyone tell you how to construct YOUR blog. Sheesh!

[Jen]

YAY! You're back! Your posts must be getting quite costly, you need to do them more often. As I read your writings, I feel like I am reading my own thoughts a year and a half ago. When all the cancer stuff thankfully slows down, and you are free to return to a "regular gyno." I think we get all geared up for the stress of cancer, that it's hard for our body to get out of that place and live life w/o it. But I know you will adjust, and this is a good adjustment. I missed you~ How's the wedding plans coming???

[nicole]

Hi Rae,

I'm new here...sort of. I've been drifting in and out from Louise and Jen's site but haven't commented yet.

You hit the nail on the head for me around the weirdness that surrounds hair growing and scar healing. I've been feeling oddly reluctant to let go of my bald head. Like once it's gone suddenly anyone's memory of what I've been through will go too. Weird.

Anyhow, hi and hope the wedding planning is going well! :)

[Keri]

LOL!!! Number 2? Loved it. :) You make me laugh. That's a good thing.