My Most Recent Excuses

Death in the family
Infection in the eye
Concussion in the brain
Wedding in the works

Flare-up in the bowels
Crazy in the head

My recent life is a series of minor unfortunate events that, when viewed as a whole, add up to two months of pure crap.  Sure, it could be worse, but it's pretty damn bad as it is.

A long time ago, my parents and I wanted to see a movie, and I graciously let them pick which one we saw.  They chose "As Good As It Gets."  You've seen it.  I hated it.  I fell asleep and whined about it for a week.  But one moment of that movie stuck with me.  The main character, whatever the hell his name is, is, er, somewhere, and out of nowhere, he stops stunned and thinks aloud, "What if this is as good as it gets?"  There is something about that moment that affects me powerfully today.

Don't get me wrong, I still think the movie sucked.

But these days, I wonder.  Is this as good as it will get for me?  I mean, objectively, things are okay.  I'm getting married, and I'm in remission, and I have a steady job and a great house.  But the repercussions of cancer and its treatment affect me on a daily basis, I am plagued by a million and one niggling little irritants.  Although I was once a calm, easy-going person, my default stress level is now always one notch below boiling point, so that every minor stressor sends me into a hysterical fit.  (Someday I will tell the tale of the failed spaghetti-and-meatballs attempt that nearly killed me.)

What if this is the best I can hope for?

The scariest part is that every time something happens, it brings up the same thought... This is never going to end.  This is my life, from now until forever.  A lifetime of crap.  It's easy to console yourself when you're going through a rough time when you have the hope of improvement later... "When I finish chemo, things will be much better" or "After my surgery, I won't feel as bad."  But when this is your regular life, this is the norm, it's frightening to think that this is as good as it will ever get.

Okay, my whining is done.  I apologize for this bullshit post.  In more important news, let's congratulate Louise on a job well done on the wikiCancer site she moderates.  I am so proud to be her friend.

Comments

[Crystal]

So sorry to hear of all the challenges and side curves life has thrown you. I have few words of wisdom but suffice to say you must find your way and I am confident you will. Welcome back...You were missed and hopefully reading you make a difference is a part of "Yes, this is as good as it gets"....in each and every moment

[Jennysue]

hey Rae, I missed you so! I am sorry that you have had some unfortunate events in your life recently and that your stress level is higher than it used to be. I know how that feels, sometimes I feel so on the brink of snapping it's scary. But I think that we always have to have some faith that things will be better, even if in smallish ways. I don't ever think that my life is as good as it gets in the moment, because why push ahead then? We must always have something to strive for. And by the way, I loved " As Good As it Gets." If for no other reason than the little dog! Keep in touch!

[aj]

My family is going through so many challenges right now that also include cancer, so understand your ups and downs. But, please allow yourself to enjoy each day to the fullest and look forward to tomorrow no matter what might come up. Every family has tough times like this so we understand where you are coming from. Look to the future and enjoy each moment that the days offer you, beats allowing yourself to get down. Attitude can made a big difference in our lives, think positive dear. AJ

[Maureen McHugh]

Rae, I was in an incredibly shitty part of my life about ten years ago that seemed pretty much as good as it got. But it wasn't, it got better. Of course, that was pre-cancer. But I really really like being married. I have this thing about marriage as an institution. It seems to me to be a contract about property. And I always swore I wasn't going to get married, I would just live with someone. But I met a guy, fell in love, and circumstances called for the marriage thing. And damn if I don't really like being married to him. That's part of the things get better--even if they actually got worse right after we got married.

Longwinded but I was worried and I'm glad you posted.

[Aeryn]

I ask myself that same question every day. :)

[Louise]

Thanks for the congratulations, but what I really want to read about is the spaghetti incident. I really need to know.

[Noelle]

I'm with Louise, break out the spaghetti and meatballs story post haste.

Sorry things have been blah recently. Sometimes I do think this is as good as it gets. I guess my comment wasn't very uplifting or inspirational, but I can be just as cranky as Jack Nicholson in that damn movie.

I guess it's just not fair. Why do some people get to lead charmed lives?

[Lyrehca]

Hi--I've often thought about how it's possible for life to be really great for someone living with a chronic illness. I learned this a long time ago and it gets me through a lot: "The definition of what one can handle changes all the time, and with insight, a person can learn to live with a lot of things that she might have originally thought impossible."

Things get better. They do.

Glad to see you posting again...I'd just started reading your blog when you went on hiatus and it's good to see you back. All best.

[DementedMichelle]

Glad to see you post, I've been lurking for a while now.

I remember that movie and that moment well. It hit me the same way it hit you. The only thing is, we don't know if this is as good as it gets or not. Sometimes the present feels like an eternal future, but that's a cognitive fallacy. Things change, they always do. At least that's what I tell myself.

And I bought a meditation CD to help me deal with some of the negative/fearful thought patterns I have in my situation. I don't know if it works, just got it, but I hope it will help calm the internal superstitious panic that I am Doomed.

M

[lorrie]

I hated the movie too and I am sorry to hear of your troubles.