Remember How I Said We Looked Everywhere and Didn't Find Cancer? Yeah, Funny Story...
The other night I went to the hospital for what I thought was worsening arthritis in my hip. After a few xrays, a CT scan, a bone scan, and drug-assisted nap, I awoke to a familiar face, Dr. Feisty.
The cancer patients among you will understand the significance of a gyn/onc in the ER in the middle of the night. They don't get out of bed for good news. She told me I had a tumor on my bone, which, she added, "is a very strange place for these things to pop up," as if she was anticipating a threat of malpractice.
I assured her that I believed she had made every reasonable attempt to locate the tumor, but sometimes shit happens. Especially to me. After a quick chat, she went back home to her bed and family. On her way out, she noted, "It hardly needs mentioning that we will be going forward with treatment this week." I nodded.
When I woke up disoriented in a cold hospital bed, the hope that it was all a nightmare was stopped in its tracks and vaporized instantly. This is really happening, I thought, I really have to go through this again.
This is going to be terrible.
It hardly needs mentioning.
I am so thinking of you.. How utterly rotten - but...and I know it is a small but, you now KNOW what you are fighting... You were worried before because the numbers were up and you couldn't find the cancer. Now you have a tangible enemy -
On to war...
You have the strength - you have done it before and beaten it. You will do it again...
I am thinking of you...
Minerva
Posted by: Minerva | October 24, 2005 at 06:34 AM
Oh, no.
Posted by: uberimma | October 24, 2005 at 12:50 PM
I wish so much for you that this was not happening, Rae. I wish there were better words I could offer, more I could do. Just know that I think of you every day, and that I love you.
Posted by: cancerbaby | October 24, 2005 at 03:26 PM
Oh God, Rae. I haven't read any blogs for weeks now... I can't believe this. I can't believe you have to go through this all over again. Please know that I'll be thinking about you every day and if you're looking for an email pal, I'm your girl.
You're the toughest person I know. Hang in there, sister, and know I'm not only praying for you, but crocheting an afghan for you. (which is not relevant, other than I think about you every day when I'm working on it.) I'm going to go catch up on all of your posts.
Hugs to you, my friend.
Posted by: Noelle | October 24, 2005 at 04:07 PM
What can I say, Rae? You amaze me with your determination and resolve. I 'm so sorry you have to go through this at all, yet alone again. I'm here for you, think of you often, and do care about you. I would say, "If there is anything I can do for you. let me know," but I know you would never ask. Know that the offer still stands and that you are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Jeannette | October 24, 2005 at 06:01 PM
This news SUCKS!!!!! I am so sorry. Just remember that all of your "cyber stalker" friends are with you 100%.
Posted by: Sarah | October 24, 2005 at 07:17 PM
Fuck, that is all that can be said
Please know that I am here for you if you need a good ear to bitch to
Posted by: Jen | October 24, 2005 at 10:57 PM
I'm with Minerva!
ON TO WAR! Now you have a target so take aim and beat the shit out of it. Throw everything you have at it!
You will be in my thoughts and prayers.
Posted by: Aeryn | October 25, 2005 at 12:50 AM
I don't know what to say.. Except that you are in my prayers..
Posted by: Dee-Dee | October 25, 2005 at 01:21 AM
And yet it deserves so much mention. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through and that you're suffering so much. You are in my thoughts.
Kerrie
Posted by: Kerrie | October 25, 2005 at 02:56 PM
And yet it deserves so much mention. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through and that you're suffering so much. You are in my thoughts.
Kerrie
Posted by: Kerrie | October 25, 2005 at 03:12 PM
Fuck.
Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
I'm so sorry. There aren't words.
Fuck.
Posted by: Krissy | October 27, 2005 at 12:25 PM
I want to add another FUCK to what everyone else has said, but it pretty much goes without saying.
I'm not a religious person in the organized sense, but I do pray because I believe that our thoughts and feelings do have an impact on matter(I'm not some new-agey sort, just somewhat practical and experienced with such things). If nothing else, please know that a woman on the west coast who you've never met is pulling for you in a big way.
Posted by: Susy | October 27, 2005 at 02:22 PM
Rae sorry you were hit with this news again with your health. But, you'll beat it. Keep your spirits up. You're in my thoughts and prayers...........AJ
Posted by: | October 27, 2005 at 06:32 PM
Pulling for you here in Wisconsin too! My thoughts and prayers and cyber hugzzzz are with you.
Posted by: sunnyside2day | October 27, 2005 at 08:49 PM
oh Rae...
fuck a duck
This just totally sucks.
If there is anything I can do... just let me know.
And do vent away, darling.
That's what we are here for.
Spike
Posted by: Spike | October 27, 2005 at 10:46 PM
No. NO. GODDAMMIT Rae. I've never been more disgusted with myself my whole life. Here I am whining in my blog about a break up and there are people in the world with real problems. Forgive me and my selfishness, as well as everyone else I know you will encounter. The fact of the matter is, you don't deserve this Rae. You really don't. I wish I had more inspiring words for you, but I won't insult you with any "it's for a reason"-s or "I know how you feel"-s. I wish you well Rae, and I hope you know that even on your worst days, you literally have an entire web of people who care, are concerned, and are rooting for you.
Posted by: Lauren | October 30, 2005 at 11:22 PM
Fuck cancer.
I'm so sorry Rae. Happy fucking Halloween, eh?
Hang in there, my friend.
Posted by: Cary | November 01, 2005 at 12:20 PM