Let It Be Known: I Am Pissed

(Subtitled:  Wherein I Make Fabulous Use of Italics)

It appears that the television is Satan's preferred medium.  Just days after I watched my dreams float away without me, I saw the most hideous, the most terrible, the most infuriatingly vile thing I could ever imagine.

To be fair, I wasn't in the most receptive mood.  I had just spent the evening with a pompous man of the cloth informing me that I was missing God's lesson for me in my suffering.  I nodded and pretended to listen like a good little law-abiding citizen.  I made it through the entire night without living out my daydream of slashing his throat with my freakishly long she-claws while screaming, "Get back to me on that when something even remotely unpleasant happens to you, you ignorant, myopic, brainwashed shell of a man!"  In fact, I did not so much as roll my eyes.

But within me I could feel the rage slowly rolling into a boil.  It is just not true.  My feet started sweating, then it moved up into my legs, making them tremble.   I knew I had to curb it before it took over.

So I plopped down on the couch to allow the waves to penetrate my brain and replace all the hate and hurt with white noise.  I watched the most wholesome, harmless thing I could find.  Nice people write in, and get their ramshackle house turned into a palace.  Everybody wins, everybody feels good (and everybody of the female persuasion gets some nice eye candy as well).  By the end of the hour, I thought I might have even felt the sprouts of a smile on my face when they cut to the previews for the next week's show.  And that's when I saw him.

The devil.

The enemy.

The soulless life-sucking mercenary of the dark side.

The nice guy from next week.  And he was saying, "I really think cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me."

But he didn't just say that.  Just for an instant, he turned away from the rapt nationwide audience while they dried their tears, and he spoke only to me.  "Everybody is happy, you know.  Everybody feels this way.  You're the only one who doesn't.  Tell me, what exactly is wrong with you?"

And that's when the rage exploded.  All the at-least-you're-alives, and the why-can't-you-just-move-ons, and the everything-will-be-okays, and the blessing-in-disguises all converged onto him, him.  Him the man who came out smelling like a rose.  Him the man who thought he was so much better than me just because he was happy.  Him the empty poster child getting a new house while I was losing everything.  And I lost my shit.

I threw my glass at the television and let out a yell that stirred the dogs from their naps and sent them scattering.  I stood shaking but paralyzed, and the shattered glass and my racing heart just added to my anger as I cried out in complete despair.

WHY THE FUCK DOES EVERYONE KEEP FUCKING SAYING THAT?

Hearing it said out loud, breaking the silence of suffering with a smile, calmed me down within seconds.  Somebody said it.  Somebody stood up and finally said no, if I had to do it all over, I would not choose to have cancer again.  No, I will not make the TV viewing audience feel better about their lives by playing the willing martyr.  No, you stupid asshole, there is no lesson.  I said that, even if it was only to my empty house, and it was true.

As my heart resumed its normal speed and my flush skin paled and cooled, I was brought back to the reality that my floor was wet and sprinkled with shards of glass.  As I fetched a towel to clean up the mess, just to let the world know I wasn't quite through yet, I said, "I will absolutely kill the next person who says that."

And that is the truth.

Comments

[cancerbaby]

My husband has said that we need to buy a whole new set of dishes just for the pleasure of hurling them onto the kitchen floor when things get to be too much.

I hate those thankful for cancer assholes. They are so condescending with their "I've learned so much from this disease" crap. I'm perfectly fine with people learning from their disease, changing their attitude, turning over new leaves, etc. But let's not pretend that all of those leaves couldn't have been turned over without the life-threatening illness, okay? Maybe cancer got you there sooner. But you're one dense, selfish, dumb motherfucking bastard if you couldn't have learned the big lessons without death breathing down your neck.

[Susy]

All right, who was the fucker? Was it Lance Armstrong?

I suspect that people like this are simply catering to the non-cancer afflicted/afflicted but in remission who are trying to control their environments (e.g., "If I just stay positive, nothing bad will ever happen to me") out of fear of the disease. While I'm a firm believer in a certain amount of functional denial, these people are a bunch of candy-ass dickheads who need to shut the hell up. It's bad enough to have a nasty, life-threatening disease and be in constant pain without people shaking fingers at you every time you feel anything less that grateful about it.

[Sandee]

Although I did learn alot (mainly about others) Cancer sucks & I wish it had never come knocking! *hugs*

[Cary]

Hi Rae...no one could have said it better :)

I'm wondering if you'd let me include a link to this post in a new project I've started called Real Cancer, Real Lives. The aim of the project is to combat the mainstream media's obsession with feel-good cancer stories, by allowing people a glimpse of what it's REALLY LIKE fighting cancer day in and day out.

My wife Lori has been fighting stage-IV Unknown Primary cancer since she was diagnosed on her 27th birthday (three years ago next month.)

Anyways, this post would be a perfect match for the project, and I'd love to include it. Real Cancer, Real Lives will be hosted on a different blog each week, so if you were interested in hosting it sometime, we'd be happy to include you! http://www.cancer-news-watch.com/2005/10/04/real-cancer-real-lives/

All the best,
-Cary

[Jeannette]

It's the drugs. It must be the drugs. What the hell?

[Moogle]

This post and the one before it hit me right in the chest because they voiced something I have not been able to.

I suffer from migraines so severe that I have to be on Social Security Disability.

I have a blog where I try to keep myself positive and I reflect on the good that is still in my life and I look at the lessons I have learned.

I have even said the dreaded words, "Migraines are the best thing that has happened to me". But that wasn't the whole part. The whole statement was, "Migraines are both the worst and the best thing that has ever happened to me."

I don't think you can say the "best" part without saying the "worst" part at the same time, otherwise we get exactly what you are talking about. And that's not right and its not true. In fact, it becomes a denial of reality and a slap in the face to everyone else.

[Jessica]

Amen, Sistah! After struggling with chronic pain 24/7 with no breaks from it for 2+ years, I've learned to say, "Bullshit" when someone says, "It's in God's plan for you"; "God must have something special in mind for you"; "You're supposed to learn lessons through this"; etc. I say, Bullshit to that! There's no reason for it; I'm not a "specially chosen one" by God for some great purpose here on earth; and I'm not in this position specifically so that I can learn certain life lessons (though I am). Shit just happens and there's shit that happens for absolutely no reason at all, it just does.

[Minerva]

*thinking*

You are right, and yet, I know that I have learnt stuff...and maybe that just proves what
a lazy dumbfuck I am that I didn't learn those lessons earlier...*sigh*

Or maybe, I am just seeking some reason for why this has hit me when I have had quite enough shit in my life for one lifetime...thank you...

I don't really know but I do know that it is horrid, and I really, really wish that I could just wake up one morning and it was all a bad dream...and that I could do that for all of us....

Minerva

[Jen]

Wow, here it is a week later, and I just finished that episode and I was left with the same feelings about it. Here this guy is, with this fucking enormous, gorgeous house and saying that everything is a blessing. I was thinking if I was in his shoes, would I be saying that or would I say "yeah having cancer sucks ass." I am actually glad to hear you had a bit of a break down, we need to do that every once in a while. gives our system a real jolt (not to mention your dogs). I think it's good you got some of that frustration out, even if it was at the t.v. and the empty apartment. And I don't think there is any cancer people out there who deep inside dont' feel the same way. HUGS to you my friend.

[gaela]

hi rae.
your words bring me to tears.
bless you for your lucid emotion.
i hate cancer. i hate everything about it.

[Katie]

Maybe it was scripted as a part of the show. To make cancer look less scary to the general public. What a crock.

[Richard Day Gore]

Hi Rae,

What a great post and so true. I'm a cancer survivor too, and one of the worst parts of the whole thing was the feeling of obligation to "just be positive." (As if we need another obligation when all those chips are down) Oh yeah, it's EASY to be positive when you're facing a life threatening illness that has taken all your savings, destroyed your ability to work, caused people you thought were your friends to vanish and, frequently, is very painful. I truly think that one of the main reasons people want you to "just be positive" is so that THEY can be positive. Let's face it, we can't all be Lance Armstrong, racing to victory with our hands held over our heads in triumph. Come on. Cancer patients measure victory in ways that people who have not walked in our shoes will never be able to understand or appreciate. Throwing blame just makes it easier for them to take another step away from our unpleasant reality.

Love and regards,
Richard Day Gore