A Letter to Cancer

Dear Cancer,

Hello old friend.  I know it has been a while since we talked.  I can't help being angry with you.  I tried so hard to find someone or something to blame for what has happened over the past two years, I was mad at God for a while, then myself, then circumstance itself, but none of those worked out so I settled on you.  But I know that it isn't entirely your fault, you're just doing what nature programmed you to do, and I'm sorry.

As much as I try to hate you, I can't.  Because you are me.  I am you.  You are the twinge in my back when I wake up, you are the pain in my eyes when I am tired.  You are the face I see in the mirror before I put on my make up.  I try to live without you in my thoughts every moment, but I cannot.

Now you are just the shadow that follows my every step, but I know someday you will come back to me.  I know that someday you will look me in the eye as you choke the breath out of me.  But it is not that I fear.  What scares me is the mundane way you take my life little by little, day by day.  The way you have slowly drawn out the torture of robbing me of the joys in my life.  First my naivete, then my fertility, then my mobility, then... whatever you have planned next.

For so long I have tried so hard to prove that I am better than you, but at every turn I have been disappointed.  Defeated.  I acknowledge that I have lost the war.  I have taken a step forward, but you have catapulted me 5,000 steps back.  I admit that you are bigger and better and stronger and faster.  I say Uncle, Cancer. 

Having acquiesced to your will, I dare not ask for the big things I used to, please let me get married, please let me go back to college.  From now on, I will know my role and humbly beg for the table scraps of your mercy.  Please let me make it until Friday, please just allow me to hold out until lunchtime.

And so tonight, like every night, I ask that you let me wake up tomorrow morning.  I would be so grateful.

Love,

Rae

Comments

[iselyahna]

I'm horrified to ask if this means what I think this means.

Are you ok????

[Louise]

Sweetheart, don't make me cry. And yes, I called you sweetheart. Because you are, and I adore you, and you know all this.

September 1. Fuck you. I wanted a happy update from Rae, and you September, you may have ruined it.

[Noelle]

I don't know what this means exactly... but I'm here, just an email away if you need anything, even just an email hug. And soon, less-than-2-weeks-soon, I will be geographically close. And then shortly thereafter I will be visiting my aunt which means I will be a car-ride-away-close. So, you know, I'm here. If you need anything.

[cancerbaby]

Rae, I don't know what is going on, if anything is going on, or maybe if this is just your general thoughts and fears. But I'm here listening and supporting you as much as I can, and I want you to know that I understand every sentiment contained in this letter in the deepest, most intense way possible.

[Mary]

This is one of those posts that could have so much meaning between the lines. I hope it does not. I hope it is just another of your very well written observations and feelings of cancer in general.

:>)

[Jeannette]

Rae, you are in my thoughts. If there is anything I can do for you, please know that I am here and ready to support you in any way needed. I'm sending hugs, virtually.

[Katie]

I too hope that there's no deep frightening news behind this post. What you wrote is haunting and sad and beautiful.

[AJ]

Rae, like the others, you journal today can be taken many ways. Just hang in there, don't give up. Easy for me to say, but have 2 members of family going through chemo and radiation right now and they will be for some time. Like I tell them, allow yourself to laugh or smile each day; amazing what that can do when one is going through rough times. Know we all care, here's a hug from me to you dear........God Bless.....AJ