Survivor Wilt

There are two women for whom I would gladly forfeit my remission, if only they could be healthy.  There are two women for whom I have kneeled in a dark church, imploring the Universe to please, just take me if it means you can spare them this hurt, this pain. 

And one of them died.  Why?

Every blink of my eye, every beat of my heart, every hair on my head, is a prayer and a wish for a woman struggling with cancer.  Every time I wake up, I know it will be a day filled with thoughts of the women whose lives have been turned upside-down by this disease.  Every inhale and exhale is a supplication to take this pain away from them, to take it all on myself if it would  give them just a day of peace.

And yet, one of them died.  Why?

My effort is futile, my desire to restore them to their former selves meaningless, my prayers summarily ignored.  Another beautiful, intelligent mother, grandmother, daughter, friend gone, vanished.  Why?

And here I stand, ravaged, but very much alive.  After many doctors told me it was a certainty that I would not survive this ordeal, after I offered my demise should one of these two women go on living.  I should be dead, but I am not.  She should still be here, but she isn't. 

Why?

There is one woman for whom I would gladly forfeit my remission, if only she could be healthy.  I still mean it, if anyone is listening.

Comments

[Kath]

Dear Rae, your beautiful words made me so sad. There is no Why. No, there is nothing but Why -- there is just no Because, is there?

The edges of the summit still appall
When we brood on the dead or the beloved;
Nor can imagination do it all
In this last place of light: he dares to live
Who stops being a bird, yet beats his wings
Against the immense immeasurable emptiness of things.
(Theodore Roethke)

[Katie]

I'm so sorry.

[Noelle]

Oh Rae. I'm so sorry.

[cancerbaby]

There was a time when I used to ask "why me" in reverse. Meaning, why did I get into remission, and get a low CA-125, etc., when others didn't? Obviously, I don't ask that anymore. But I think it's a fairly typical thing to do, and it isn't the "why me" that people normally think or talk about.

I'm sorry about your friend, Rae.

[Jeannette]

I'm so sorry, Rae. I think we lose a little bit of ourselves and our own hope each time we lose someone to the same disease. I struggle too with the same feelings. I do know that your friend's life had value and meaning and so does yours. I will keep your other friend in my prayers as well.

[AJ]

Rae, feel your pain today with the loss of your beautiful friend; touched my heart that you would gladly give up being in remission to save her or your other friend. Your friend probably felt the same way, if you would live, she'd gladly give herself up to the Lord. You shared a bond, nothing will ever break that; live not only for yourself, but the memory of your friend. God bless you.

[Becki]

Rae, I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Your friend is honored simply by having had a friend like you.

[Louise]

I felt just like you when I read of her passing. This is yet another part of this disease which makes me angry and frustrated and sad and so so weary. What nonsense this whole mess is.

[Spike]

Rae,

I am so sorry.

It all just sucks.