Things That Are Currently Pissing Me Off (An Unapologetic Rant for My Own Amusement)

1.  Friends who have been thoroughly unsupportive and unavailable to me in my darkest hour calling me up to bitch and moan about stupid things like, say, possibly losing their job at their college because they were caught drinking underage.  Don't call your terminally ill "friend" to whine about something that is your own damn fault when said friend has to beg for the table scraps of your time between your more important meetings and parties.  My advice: don't break the law, dipshit.

2.  When I go out on the balcony to smoke, and immediately after lighting a cigarette, I realize my last cigarette was not entirely extinguished, so the whole ashtray is on fire, and I am consumed by the putrid odor of burning filters and old cigars.  Then I have to run inside, cigarette still lit in my hand, to get a glass of water to put the whole mess out.  Then my relaxing smoke break is degraded into an attempt to avoid gagging at the wet shitsmoke smell.  And upon my re-entry into the apartment, I notice that the place now smells like smoke, which is not a big deal if you routinely smoke in the apartment, but one cigarette in a smoke-free household is instantly obvious and overwhelming.  Oh, wait, the shitsmoke has clung to me, and I'm what stinks.

3.  People to whom I owe money calling me for the 800th time today to "remind" me that a payment is due the next day, when I have already informed the last 799 callers that I simply cannot pay it.  One hostile guilt trip per day is more than sufficient to get your point across, thank you.  And even though I should be paid for putting up with your constant shit, I am not bringing in any income, so you can take your deadline and shove it. 

4.  My appetite has recently come back with a vengeance, but my stomach must have shrunk or something because I just can't handle the amount of food my hunger desires.  So, I am always either a.) starving or b.) stuffed to the point of nausea.  What the fuck, Stomach?  Know your limits.  Tonight, since I knew there was no food to be eaten at home, my insatiable hunger led me to the drive-thru at McDonald's so I could get something totally bland and just enough to fill my stomach up a little.  Of course, the night-shift jerk misunderstood "cheeseburger, with only ketchup" to mean "cheeseburger, with only ketchup and a shitload of pepper."  Seriously, I had to check to make sure that I wasn't eating a pepper-log soaked in a little beef juice instead.  Mmmm.  Needless to say, that did wonders for both my upper and lower GI tract.  Oh, and I was still fucking hungry because I could hardly be in the same room as that sorry excuse for a beef patty.  Thanks, asshole cheeseburger, for ruining my night.

5.  My persisting inability, despite my best efforts, to hibernate.

Comments

[Louise]

Number two made me laugh so hard I almost peed a little. Number 4 made me laugh so hard I DID pee a little.

Thanks, asshole cheeseburger, for making me wet my pants.

[Ruby]

Its nice to know there are other smokers out here in cancer land. My friends harass me all the time about it. Shuts them up quick when I say "What the hell is it going to do to me? Give me cancer?!"