On Boyfriend

Rrrrrrrrring....

Boyfriend:  Hello?

Me:  Are you going to leave me for someone else?

Boyfriend:  No, I am going to stay with you.  Is that all?

Me:  Yes, have a good day at work!

I initiate these conversations more often than I'd like to admit.  Since I was diagnosed, I have noticed a a toxic combination of reckless paranoia coupled with an overwhelming need for constant validation.  (Very sexy to men, by the way, I definitely recommend trying it.)  I figure that if I ask him important things like that out of the blue, he will accidentally blurt out some horrible crime against humanity (a.k.a. "me") he has committed. 

So far, he hasn't.  Maybe he is just cool under fire.  I have to love him for putting up with my non-stop nagging and interrogation.  But someday, I will break him and find out the horrible secret he has been hiding while masquerading as the perfect boyfriend.

Um, did I mention the paranoia?

It is terribly embarrassing to admit that of all the things I could be worrying about, roughly 89% of my time is spent worrying about my boyfriend dumping me.  I daydream all possible horrific scenarios in which this could happen.  Everywhere we go, I see ruthless, non-cancerous bitches just waiting for me to turn my back so they can steal him.

This is something I was never really afraid of before.  Is it because he is "the one"?  Or because I am hormonal, over-medicated, and delusional?  Either way it sucks, sucks, and sucks some more.

Comments

[elise]

hey rae, coming to you via livable city....i'm so angry for you.........i don't even feel like i have a right to post as i'm one of those cancer-less bitches----but i dig your blog and your naughty dogs.......and i'm angry for all the crap being thrown your way.........fist raised high for you.

[Rae]

Elise, don't be silly, thank you so much for commenting and your kind words. You know, I need all the help I can get! :)

[Autumn]

I completely "get" what your saying. My man is wonderful and has been. I became seriously ill within the first year of us dating - and he still proposed to me. And when I told him I'd understand if he wanted to change his mind because of my health - it lays a lot of responsibility and work on him - he told me no way. It's been a struggle, and I think some of those thoughts too. "when is he going to wake up an realize I'm more work then I'm worth? is he going to leave me? is he going to cheat on me?"

I ask the same random questions. Thank god we've both got men who give us the right answers. :) Blessings to you and the Boyfriend.