Hi, I'm Your Neighbor, And I'm Prone to Mini-Nervous Breakdowns

Let's start at the end.

I spent the entire night berating myself before I decided to cleanse my soul by frantically writing a card to my neighbor saying, "I am so sorry if our dogs bothered you last night.  I have been training them not to bark, and I hardly ever go out without them, so it shouldn't be a problem in the future.  If it becomes a problem please call us at <phone number>.  Please accept my apology and know that we are trying our hardest not to disturb you.  Your neighbor, Rae"

Whoa!  What horrifically awful thing did my dogs do to warrant this apology?  What tearful words were spoken by my neighbor to inspire this kind of contrition?

Well, ummm, the respective answers to those questions are: probably nothing, and not a thing.  I wrote this impassioned plea for forgiveness because... my neighbor looked at me when I came home from being out for a few hours.  It wasn't even an evil, I'm-annoyed-with-you-look.  Just a glance, really, an acknowledgment of my existence.

But somehow in that look, I saw the clear, seething hatred of me in her eyes.  And I felt like shit.  I wrote the apology, tears welling up in my eyes, and I put it in her door, knowing that it could never come close to making up for my rude thoughtlessness and gross inadequacies as a neighbor and human being.

In the morning, of course, I felt ridiculous for creating this drama in my head, and I cursed the neighbor because "the bitch knew we had dogs when she moved in."  Of course, I still don't know if she was mad at the dogs, or at me, or at all.

The fact is, I am prone to these bouts of madness where a look from a stranger or an unanswered email can hurl me into a spiral of insecurity and self-loathing.  It is an ugly side of me.  A part of me where all logic is thrown out the window and insanity reigns.

For now, I feel better.  But that whispering voice that tells me what a horrible person I am still lurks inside my brain, waiting for me to commit the next social faux pas and start screaming again.

Comments

[cancerbaby]

"A part of me where all logic is thrown out the window and insanity reigns."

Well, at least this is only a PART of your personality, Rae. For me, it's the whole enchildada.

I think the note was thoughtful and shows you to be a kind, considerate person. Youre neighbors will appreciate it, even if the dogs never bothered them in the first place.

[Susy]

Your neighbor will probably avoid you now because she's embarrassed over the fact that her scowl was actually the result of her own horrid combination of constipation and a yeast infection.

Don't worry about it. You're not alone. I play these sort of mental games all the time and many, many psychotherapists have given me the sanity blessing (and I didn't pay them any more than any of their other clients).

[Susy]

Your neighbor will probably avoid you now because she's embarrassed over the fact that her scowl was actually the result of her own horrid combination of constipation and a yeast infection.

Don't worry about it. You're not alone. I play these sort of mental games all the time and many, many psychotherapists have given me the sanity blessing (and I didn't pay them any more than any of their other clients).

[Louise]

This is also a part of me. It used to be a much bigger part when I lived with a friend who fed my melodrama, and me, his.

I started dating The Boyfriend, and he has tempered me somewhat. Reminds me to remain logical and not let insanity reign. It's really hard to do that, and with him living away from me, I have do that for myself now. I'm not so good at keeping myself in check, though I am getting better. I still tend to overreact to a lot of things.

And the note? Even if it was unnecessary, it shows you are a good neighbour. I once consulted two (2!) lawyers because my landlord wouldn't return my phone calls (over one weekend) after charging me a deposit he shouldn't have, just because his name was James Bond and I became convinced he had stolen the identity of a dead James Bond and had left town with my $500. (The story is a little more complicated than that, but needless to say, it was pretty ridiculous and was a complete example of throwing logic out the window and letting insanity reign.)

You will learn to work through those bouts of madness. It will take time and patience, and you may never make them go away completely, but you are aware of them, and that helps.