What Not to Say

For the record, I do not consider myself overly sensitive or easily offended.  But since my diagnosis, I have encountered some very off-base and ignorant statements made by otherwise well-meaning people.  To be fair, there is no manual for how to act around someone who has cancer.   There is no manual for how to have cancer either, I have had to learn lots of information very quickly. 

So for the furtherance of interpersonal communication and world peace, I offer my small contribution to the friends/relatives of those afflicted with cancer.  And to those naysayers who think I am just complaining, I have offered suggestions of what to say instead!  Of course, there is an infinite number of stupid things to do and say.  I could never cover them all... these are just the ones I come across the most often.

Stupid Thing #1:  "You look great!"
(Or: "You look good bald",  "You don't even look sick")

  The people who say this are not rude, maybe a little shallow, but they're not bad people.  They often think that by saying this, they are psychically or otherwise indirectly conveying a positive show of support, trying to say the illness has not gotten at the core of their wonderful friend.  But what they have ended up communicating is, "Who cares about a serious illness, at least you're not ugly!"  Because that would be the real tragedy.

Alternate:  "I'm glad you're still getting out and doing things with us even though you haven't been feeling very well."  "You seem to be taking very good care of yourself through this rough time."

Stupid Thing #2  "So, how are things going?"
(Or: "How are you doing?")

  This is the one that really drives me crazy.  These people refuse to talk about the elephant in the room.  We both know to which "things" they are referring, but they won't actually say it.  This forces the person with cancer to either a.) skip over everything actually going on in their life and say, "Fine and you?" or b.) be forced to be the one to bring up all the cancer stuff (not knowing if the person really wants to hear about it or not), and feel like they bummed everybody out with their lengthy explanation of their depressing life. 
   Generally, I would say these people ask because they do want to know what is really going on.  So cut it out with the vague social-nicety shit.  If you want to know, ask.  I would not be offended if someone cut to the chase and asked me about my treatments or side effects, and I don't think any reasonable person would.

Alternate:  "How many more treatments do you have left?"  "Have you been feeling very sick from the chemo?" 

Stupid Thing #3  "You'll be fine!"
(Or: "Miracles happen every day!",  "Everything will work out",  "Don't worry!", and other assorted Pollyanna bullshit)

  This is one of the rudest and most dismissive things to say to anyone, cancer-related or not.  When someone suffers a setback or takes a turn for the worse, this needlepoint philosophy is of no help, in fact, it is damaging.  It dismisses another person's valid thoughts, fears, and concerns.  Furthermore, you have made them feel bad about having those thoughts.  A person who worries about their condition is not faithless, but they do need the opportunity to discuss their fears with someone who will listen.  Do not cut them off because you are too scared to face the fact that everything might not turn out hunky-dory. 
   Plus, there is the issue that... gasp... what if that miracle doesn't come?  False hope can be crushing, and the fact is life does not always work out all right.  So really you are disseminating false information at best.  Don't shut out someone who needs to talk about what they're afraid of.

Alternate:  "Sorry to hear <insert bad news>, do you want to talk about it?"  Or a simple "That sucks!" is often very effective.

Stupid Thing #4  "At least you're alive!"

  This person does have a point.  I would much rather be alive than dead.  But just because I am still alive does not mean I am just going to roll over and take all the shit "life" throws at me from this point on.  Even without a serious illness, bad things happen that cause you to worry and get pissed.  Add the complication of cancer and the unique set of problems that adds to your life, there are things that are worthy of being complained about.  And I don't feel like I should have to wax over them just because I'm alive.

P.S.  You are alive, too, so does that mean you never bitch/worry/complain?  Why the double standard for a cancer patient?

Alternate:  See suggestions for #3. 

Stupid Thing #5  "...." (Nothing)

  The quote says, "The friend who holds your hand and says the wrong thing is made of dearer stuff than the one who stays away."  I bet somewhere out there, a lot of people are thinking of me and wishing me well.  Of course, I can't say for sure because they haven't called in months.  Ultimately, that is infinitely more painful than some silly, misguided question or remark.

Alternate:  Call the person once and a while, you don't even have to mention cancer.  Talk about what is happening in your life.  Or every so often, send an email or card, this will tell them you're thinking about them, even though it may be uncomfortable for you to see them.

Take your cues from your friend.  Make yourself available, but don't push too hard.  Since everyone is different, it is always best to listen and learn from your friend, they will let you know what they need... if you pay attention.  If you act and speak with support, respect, and love, you just can't go wrong.